I’m done feeling bad.

So I’m feeling positive today… my mom’s been in the hospital almost three weeks due to possible radiation side effects (doctors don’t tell you shit, huh?). She had Stage IV colon cancer. But they are trying a new procedure tomorrow that I’m hoping will take away the pain. She’s been high on pain meds, which is both good and absolutely terrible– she searches for keys so she can walk ‘the kids’ or thinks we’re in Canada and wants it to be dark out when it’s 3 pm. Dilauded can really get you crazy! I just glanced at her and she was putting the covers over her head. So I haven’t seen her personality in a while, and I miss ‘her’ terribly even though I’ve been pretty much living in the hospital in a cot next to her… I miss her dramatic flair, her excitement and easy anger, obsession with shopping and Christmas and God, I miss it all.

I cried a lot. Just because of that, mostly, and all the shit she’s been through that she really shouldn’t have had to go through. Three rounds of nauseating, nail-blackening, bleeding chemo. Then vomit-inducing radiation. Losing all of her long dark hair that swung halfway down her back, the hair that she’s been known for all her life. I cried because I am scared I don’t know how to live without her. People lose parents all the time and it’s written about in so many books, and I know why… it’s unfathomable.

I cried because I know it’s not too late, and I’m scared that I’m not doing something I could be to save her.

But I’m done crying and feeling bad- it’s not helping her. She’s alive now, isn’t she? And not in that much pain. We WILL figure out something.

It’s funny how little I care about petty things now that I’ve seen the worst. I don’t care about my friends sore throat. I don’t care about missing school, I don’t care what people think of me, I don’t think I can ever be embarrassed in any manner again. These things are nothing in retrospect.

Even during the warm, gorgeous fall of Dallas, I am absolutely frozen, too frozen to move because my cot in next to the longest, coldest vent which lines a big window that gives quite a view of downtown Dallas.

But anyway, in her few moments of clarity, Mom asks me to finish my book. So what can I do for her while she’s like this? I can keep taking care of her, making her laugh and love herself, and finish writing my goddamn book. Even if it’s just to hand it to her so she knows I’ve finished it.

What do I have to lose, really?

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2 thoughts on “I’m done feeling bad.

  1. I have a friend who is dying right now and I know what you mean about missing your mom’s personality. I had a text conversation with her the other day that sounded like “old” her and it was so good. It made me miss her terribly. Thanks for such a lovely and hard post. Those of us who know what you are talking about “get it.”

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