I miss reading Blogs about real people’s problems. Not watching Vlogs.

It hasn’t been a fun week.

Its been a rough week. And it’s only Thursday. The past weekend was filled with singing at an event, so didn’t sleep for 48 hours. This messed me up so bad. I’m one of those people that need my solid eight hours a night to function, emotionally.

Then, I worked on graphic design stuff Monday, Tuesday, and half of Wednesday. Pro Bono. I totally deserve 60k to 80k for that shit. Sorry, not trying to up myself, but the people who I was doing the work for were so fucking picky, I wanted to tell them to do it themselves so many times.

The true reason behind my attitude and my lack of heart is this: The past three weeks or so I’ve spent grappling with the newfound knowledge that my intended husband, my best friend, my everything, loves another woman too. He says he’s in love with me. And he loves me. But he also loves her.

It’s destroyed my spirit. I know, I know. I should be happy he’s been honest with me. I should be happy he chooses me. But I’m not happy. I feel… inadequate. Two years of pure love. I can’t UNHEAR what I’ve heard. It’s my greatest fear in life. Come to life.

Can I trust him? Will I always be looking over my shoulder? I don’t wanna live like that.

But then, another thought. Is this the most normal thing ever? We fall in and out of love, we fickle human beings.. But we have to have a bond. There has to be more than just that infatuation love, right?

It hurt to see him in love with her for a few days. It hurt to see him smile while he texted her. But then I realized I could just as easily be texting someone else. And I remember to get a life. My life can revolve around him no longer…

What makes a person attractive? If they are living their joy. So I got up, and starting working.

The only thing that’s on my mind now, is that I am not really wanting to work a job right now, just stay home and finish this book. I’ve got 25,000 words down, and I really want to pull through and finish.

I suppose I could work a daytime job but that would distract me from the whole story and I don’t really need to work for the money. I can suffer without it in exchange for the big reward.

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Tears and dangerous epiphanies.

I vow to never give up.

Say it. Mean it. Think it.

Yes, I know everything seems fucking impossible right now. You never get to do the things you need or want to do. You never get to take care of yourself. But don’t give up. You can power through. Just keep your head down and power through.

I love taking care of my mom. I LOVE hearing her ask me for anything because goodness, she is finally awake. She has been practically in a coma for more than a month. I am always happy to change her diapers or get her juice or help her brush her teeth– I am so happy to take care of her.

She was, not long ago, caught in the worst rut. My beautiful mother was trapped in a life that reminds me of a Greek myth that I read as a young teenager in D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths. Tantalus was forever tantalized without nourishment for something awful he did that I can’t remember. He was sentenced to an eternity where he was chin deep in water he could not drink, as it would sink away from him, and a luscious fruit-filled branch above him lurched away when he tried to reach it. It’s worse than the fiery pits of Hades.

My mom was gifted weeks of no pain, post-radiation therapy: able to walk, go to the mall, but forced to do horrible scans and doctor visits that gave her such anxiety that she could hardly enjoy her good days.

IMG_0118
My Mum and Pup pup when she was well

 

Then the pain returned ten fold as the radiation wore off and her body shut down, and now she is either in a restless, dream filled sleep (from painkillers), or awake and in crippling pain.

She drinks only laxative drinks and has not eaten for a month. Some days she drinks nothing.

So a part of me was starting to think that she deserved to be relieved from this hell she’s in. (Dangerous thoughts, you see.)

In my sleep one night, I had a half awake nightmare. I had a crazy dream… I dreamt that I was texting my dad and the nurse was here to see my mom, and he texted me and he said “No. it’s the cancer” or something that implied the cancer was getting worse and out of control and there was nothing they could do. No no no no no I thought in my dream, I might have even said it out loud. I was panicking. There must be something I can do. It can’t be the last chance. But it was, that was what Papa was saying. She was slipping away. My best friend in the world.

I woke up tucked under my duvet with my cell phone in my hands, a text conversation open with ‘Papa’ aka my dad.

It had felt so real to me.

And that’s when I realized that I am not at all ready for her to leave this world, not yet.

I started running again.

Let sleeping Puppies lie
Let sleeping Puppies lie

It has been unusually cool but beautiful in Dallas these last few days. Nothing a former Torontonian would complain about.

So when I started running outside, the people of Dallas stared at me. They stared so hard, with an amalgam of emotion– shock, confusion, wonder, horror. Some even did double takes. “What on earth is– is she running? In this cold?”

Little do they know how great it has been for me. I thought those people who cry in SoulCycle classes were probably very unhappy people unaccustomed to feeling good. But now, I get it. A couple weeks ago I could only run for five minutes at a time without getting tired. And I got so bored being on the treadmill. Not to mention I looked out the window wistfully, craving to be with nature.

So I tried running outside (my fear of allergies prevented me). And did a little every day. It was still hard but I was surprised by how much more I enjoyed it. 10 minutes, then twenty, then thirty, and today I hit one hour of sprinting/jogging. It was so unbelievable to me that I could do that! I just looked around at the trees and enjoyed the scenic views of nature around me, and the time flew by. I NEVER felt like I would make it to the one hour mark, not to mention that quickly.

If you asked me what I think about running around outside, I would have said “That sounds EXHAUSTING!”

So basically, when I stopped forcing myself to keep running, when I stopped over analyzing my ability, when I stopped thinking about even the act of doing it while I was doing it, just not worrying about it at all…

I did it. with ease. I could have done it for hours and hours. It’s the strangest thing, to me, you see… it was just so actually… effortless. I was so busy thinking about other wonderful things in my head, projects I want to add to and things that make me happy like my dream home and cars.

And I just DID it without actually having to DO anything.

I wonder if this could be a way to how I might actually ACCOMPLISH anything writing wise…

(P.S. My abs are so strong and my tummy so slim. It’s incredible.)

I’m thinking about changing my theme to WordPress’ new default of 2015. I really like the theme and think I can make it mine, but it’s going to take time and effort and I don’t want to lose my current theme but it’s so grey and depressing but still I made it that way and  AM I INDECISIVE ENOUGH??