It hasn’t been a fun week.
Its been a rough week. And it’s only Thursday. The past weekend was filled with singing at an event, so didn’t sleep for 48 hours. This messed me up so bad. I’m one of those people that need my solid eight hours a night to function, emotionally.
Then, I worked on graphic design stuff Monday, Tuesday, and half of Wednesday. Pro Bono. I totally deserve 60k to 80k for that shit. Sorry, not trying to up myself, but the people who I was doing the work for were so fucking picky, I wanted to tell them to do it themselves so many times.
The true reason behind my attitude and my lack of heart is this: The past three weeks or so I’ve spent grappling with the newfound knowledge that my intended husband, my best friend, my everything, loves another woman too. He says he’s in love with me. And he loves me. But he also loves her.
It’s destroyed my spirit. I know, I know. I should be happy he’s been honest with me. I should be happy he chooses me. But I’m not happy. I feel… inadequate. Two years of pure love. I can’t UNHEAR what I’ve heard. It’s my greatest fear in life. Come to life.
Can I trust him? Will I always be looking over my shoulder? I don’t wanna live like that.
But then, another thought. Is this the most normal thing ever? We fall in and out of love, we fickle human beings.. But we have to have a bond. There has to be more than just that infatuation love, right?
It hurt to see him in love with her for a few days. It hurt to see him smile while he texted her. But then I realized I could just as easily be texting someone else. And I remember to get a life. My life can revolve around him no longer…
What makes a person attractive? If they are living their joy. So I got up, and starting working.
The only thing that’s on my mind now, is that I am not really wanting to work a job right now, just stay home and finish this book. I’ve got 25,000 words down, and I really want to pull through and finish.
I suppose I could work a daytime job but that would distract me from the whole story and I don’t really need to work for the money. I can suffer without it in exchange for the big reward.