I am swarmed with a million emotions today
Relief, because I am home alone, left alone to create, to write, to make videos, to be me (a rarity)
I am asked to dinner, but I don’t know if I should go, I have so many things I want to create at home
I have all these selfish desires. Here, I indulge them to you.
I long for hard work, something I can do and guarantee success, money, making a living.
I long for friends, to invite over for wine and conversations and laughter and memories.
I long for my mother, who I would go with to Highland Park and walk around and look at expensive purses that we would never buy and pretend like we’re rich. I love walking, for some reason. Especially with water in hand.
I finally know what I want though, out of life. Out of a career. It took me years of wandering around like a lost puppy, dabbling here, dabbling there, gaining experience, and BAM. I know now. Almost 23 years old and I know exactly what I want and I’m going to get it. It’s not too late.
No, becoming a dentist is NOT the answer.
Yes, haha, I laugh with you at myself: I considered becoming a dentist. Why? Because I want to have money. I want to have money so I can provide my future family with a comfortable life with less worry. I want to make my parents proud. Getting my degree would earn me respect from my community and random aquaintences and strangers, alike, probably. But I don’t care anymore about that. it’s not what I want. Sometimes I wish it WAS what I want, but it’s not. I don’t enjoy science classes, so why put myself through years of it.
My dad cracks me up. He’s a brilliant musician and engineer. Two total opposite sides of the spectrum. He knows how to handle any social situation, how to persuade a group of people. He’s a great public speaker. But, he can never be organized or on time to anything. Him leaving the house is always chaotic. It drives my boyfriend crazy but it makes me laugh out loud. “That’s Dad,” I say. The financial disorganization though, that get’s to me.
Yesterday my cousin sent me a snap of a picture of her and my mother. “She’s so beautiful” she said. She was, I think it everyday.. My mom was a fucking queen. I miss her with every breath I take, even after two years, I wish she was here, enjoying life with me. She would be so proud, I think. So proud that I haven’t given up on my dreams
I want to be like the Weeknd. We were born in the same place, Scarborough, Ontario, Canada. He dropped out of high school at 17 and started creating music, dropped some tracks anonymously online and shot to fame.
So I’m off to create. Not sure what I’m going to tell my boyfriend. He’s an artist, too…
What do YOU want?