Astrology: Should I check mine?

The reason I am debating on if i should spend $120 US dollars to know my astrological chart is not because of the money… but i simply dont know if i WANT to know what my life will become.

J.P. Morgan was once seen leaving an astrologers house. When asked if astrology was for millionaires, he simply said “No. Astrology is for billionaires.” 

And thats when i decided to have it checked. But im still debating because ive had “astrologers” in the past claim horrible things about my life. And it simply caused me tons of pain rather than good. But this astrologer i trust more so than that person. 

I think i am going to do it. Its going to take two to four weeks. So im very nervous. 

Wish me luck. 

I miss reading Blogs about real people’s problems. Not watching Vlogs.

It hasn’t been a fun week.

Its been a rough week. And it’s only Thursday. The past weekend was filled with singing at an event, so didn’t sleep for 48 hours. This messed me up so bad. I’m one of those people that need my solid eight hours a night to function, emotionally.

Then, I worked on graphic design stuff Monday, Tuesday, and half of Wednesday. Pro Bono. I totally deserve 60k to 80k for that shit. Sorry, not trying to up myself, but the people who I was doing the work for were so fucking picky, I wanted to tell them to do it themselves so many times.

The true reason behind my attitude and my lack of heart is this: The past three weeks or so I’ve spent grappling with the newfound knowledge that my intended husband, my best friend, my everything, loves another woman too. He says he’s in love with me. And he loves me. But he also loves her.

It’s destroyed my spirit. I know, I know. I should be happy he’s been honest with me. I should be happy he chooses me. But I’m not happy. I feel… inadequate. Two years of pure love. I can’t UNHEAR what I’ve heard. It’s my greatest fear in life. Come to life.

Can I trust him? Will I always be looking over my shoulder? I don’t wanna live like that.

But then, another thought. Is this the most normal thing ever? We fall in and out of love, we fickle human beings.. But we have to have a bond. There has to be more than just that infatuation love, right?

It hurt to see him in love with her for a few days. It hurt to see him smile while he texted her. But then I realized I could just as easily be texting someone else. And I remember to get a life. My life can revolve around him no longer…

What makes a person attractive? If they are living their joy. So I got up, and starting working.

The only thing that’s on my mind now, is that I am not really wanting to work a job right now, just stay home and finish this book. I’ve got 25,000 words down, and I really want to pull through and finish.

I suppose I could work a daytime job but that would distract me from the whole story and I don’t really need to work for the money. I can suffer without it in exchange for the big reward.

I finally know.. Now, what do YOU want?

I am swarmed with a million emotions today

Relief, because I am home alone, left alone to create, to write, to make videos, to be me (a rarity)

I am asked to dinner, but I don’t know if I should go, I have so many things I want to create at home

I have all these selfish desires. Here, I indulge them to you.

I long for hard work, something I can do and guarantee success, money, making a living.

I long for friends, to invite over for wine and conversations and laughter and memories.

I long for my mother, who I would go with to Highland Park and walk around and look at expensive purses that we would never buy and pretend like we’re rich. I love walking, for some reason. Especially with water in hand.

I finally know what I want though, out of life. Out of a career. It took me years of wandering around like a lost puppy, dabbling here, dabbling there, gaining experience, and BAM. I know now. Almost 23 years old and I know exactly what I want and I’m going to get it. It’s not too late.

No, becoming a dentist is NOT the answer.

Yes, haha, I laugh with you at myself: I considered becoming a dentist. Why? Because I want to have money. I want to have money so I can provide my future family with a comfortable life with less worry. I want to make my parents proud. Getting my degree would earn me respect from my community and random aquaintences  and strangers, alike, probably. But I don’t care anymore about that. it’s not what I want. Sometimes I wish it WAS what I want, but it’s not. I don’t enjoy science classes, so why put myself through years of it.

My dad cracks me up. He’s a brilliant musician and engineer. Two total opposite sides of the spectrum. He knows how to handle any social situation, how to persuade a group of people. He’s a great public speaker. But, he can never be organized or on time to anything. Him leaving the house is always chaotic. It drives my boyfriend crazy but it makes me laugh out loud. “That’s Dad,” I say. The financial disorganization though, that get’s to me.

Yesterday my cousin sent me a snap of a picture of her and my mother. “She’s so beautiful” she said. She was, I think it everyday.. My mom was a fucking queen. I miss her with every breath I take, even after two years, I wish she was here, enjoying life with me. She would be so proud, I think. So proud that I haven’t given up on my dreams

I want to be like the Weeknd. We were born in the same place, Scarborough, Ontario, Canada. He dropped out of high school at 17 and started creating music, dropped some tracks anonymously online and shot to fame.

So I’m off to create. Not sure what I’m going to tell my boyfriend. He’s an artist, too…

What do YOU want?

Is he telling himself this, or does he truly believe it?

It's the little things...

I wanted a place where I could put all my doubts and fears and figure them out, so here it goes. My fiancee has a penchant for helping people… He has a beautiful, giving heart. I saw him help my sister and cousel her when she wouldn’t open up to me. But when I saw him start to exhibit the same kind of effort into a close female friend of both of ours, I got very jealous. In fact, I overreacted so much, I wondered if our relationship was over… the love of my life.

I know shes been texting him every day. He never hides these texts and in fact always shares them with me. And eventually I expressed to him that I didn’t like how wrapped up he seemed with her.

He’s not an artist like I am, which is difficult for me because even though he’s a…

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I love who I am.

I love that I am an artist and I can do anything that requires creativity. I love that I thrive. I love that I dream about traveling. I woke up this morning excited about the first day of school for another semester. College is wonderful.

I had an incredible idea for a book last night, something for a middle school or high school age.

God, the pressures of school. I love it and hate it. I miss school when I’m not in it, but when I can’t seem to pull together an essay it drives me insane. I’m almost sure I’ll be able to do it when I’m in the solitary library, free from the distractions at home.

There are so many wonderful things I want to do today.

He has a beautiful name, short but sweet, Amo, it means “to love”. He has been my best friend, my saving grace, my partner in crime. We do everything together: sing, dance, make music, play games, play fight, talk for ten hours a day, and we have our moments, these brief moments where we don’t understand each other, but for the most part, its full of love and fun.

He says he wants forever with me and he is sure. He is incredibly handsome but I only thought so when I got to know his heart. There were times, I got frustrated and angry with him when he did certain things. And now, I regret ever complaining when I just imagine him not with me.

He has done so much for me, and continues to every day to help me, or just to make me smile. He would cross the Earth twice to make me happy. He has dedication in his heart that I’m not sure any other human being can quite exhibit. Sometimes he drives two hour trips a day just to see me, for several days at a time.

But now, I hurt. I see in his eyes he watches another woman. He talks about her often. He wonders about her. He tries to help her, too. I wonder often if he fantasizes about being with her. I know he has– he’s a man, but he would never admit it to me. If they are in the same room, his eyes follow her everywhere. He makes more of an effort to talk to her than me when shes around.

But I’m always around, maybe that’s my problem.

And my God, it hurts me. It kills me to think that he has feelings for someone else. I can’t stay here another second if he came to me and said he does. I would leave the country so I never would have to see either of them again.

But why does it hurt so much?

“We’ve been fighting every night the past three nights,” he notes, solemnly, I see a terrible sadness on his face that causes me to physically… ache.

Because its the kind where even his eyes are sad, and he’s never sad. He’s that kind.

“We don’t fight,” I argue back, helplessly.

“Okay, well, we’ve had issues the last three nights. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m just noticing… and wondering where its coming from… I’m trying to pinpoint it,” he looks at me, finally. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” he repeats, confidently.

The first night, we were talking on the phone on the four hour drive he was taking to school. He yelled at me until he began to cry. Because I was pushing myself too hard and not eating and it upset him greatly.

I didn’t blame him for that.

The second night, we were talking until late and I noticed he was tired, and I was internally feeling bad about some things. Just generally overwhelmed. So he asked me what’s wrong. “Nothing baby, I don’t want to stress you. I can handle it,” I told him.

“No, tell me,” he insists more, paying full attention now.

“Babe, its no big deal.”

He got greatly upset. And he decided to turn it into some big, big deal.

He pauses. “I am… incredibly hurt.” He admits, hoarsely.

“Are you sure you want to be with me, Ems?” He asks in a stern tone.

I said nothing, crying inside already.

“Because when I was driving with my friend today, she said, so your life is about to start huh? And I told her how you’re moving here and we’ll probably get married two or three years after graduation.”

He doesn’t look at me, but stares straight ahead. “But you, my future wife, you won’t even tell me what’s on your mind… when we usually deal with everything together.”

He’s right. I felt so bad. He never made my personal issues a problem. We always dealt with everything together. Even when we realized I had an unhealthy, unstable relationship with food. He just said, “dont worry. we’ll get through this together.”

But will we always be together?

Life is so scary.

Life is absolutely terrifying.

I live in paralyzing fear all the time, am I going to be able to pay the bills next year? Will I be happy? Will I get to live as I want?

The outcomes that could go wrong terrify me to death. Life is so scary if you sit down and think about it.

But… is it?

Is my need to control everything what makes me scared me so much?

A year ago, I was agonizing on my mom’s illness because I wanted to control the outcome, that she would not die, so badly. It wasn’t an option.

But, she died. And everything was okay. The world didn’t end, and life besides missing her, got better.

But now my need to control things is having an effect on my personal relationship.

What happens when your partner doesn’t fulfill your needs?

I’ve told my partner quite a few times how I feel. And he tries sometimes… I tell him that I wish we could take it slower, that way the desire can build and then I have a closer chance of coming. I tell him that I need him to touch me more. I need to be pleased. He says he understands my needs. He says he gets excited and then tired. I think he thinks its takes too much time to get me off so he avoided trying for a while.

Sure, I can get myself off. I could just let it be and take care of myself. but its not as much fun as doing it together… Its not. Thats not the whole point! Its not the point of sex, to do it alone. We do it together, to bond. at least thats how I feel. I want to experience that pleasure together sometimes too.

I love him to death. I love him so much. We have an incredibly playful, fun, loving relationship. I will never leave him.

But I will never tell him how empty and unsatisfied I sometimes feel, lying there after having made love, he’s finished, and I’m still aching with need. I know I’m not being selfish by asking this, either.

Sometimes I lie to him, when he works really hard, he’s spent a good ten minutes on me… “Yes, I’ve come, thank you, darling… it felt so good.” It DID feel good, but I could have come all the way.

I’m always so close. I just need that little five percent. Maybe my partner simply needs to grow up still. He is in his twenties, after all.

Or…

Unless…

Maybe. I just need to let it go.

The other day I cried on the phone with him because I got so frustrated trying to explain it, and I said, “I don’t care anymore, I don’t need sex. I just want you to watch a movie with me.” I sounded like I was three years old.

And I meant it.